i find these little pockets of sadness and fear inside myself. usually they burst open unexpectedly, and usually at inconvenient times. i have an intense fear of losing the people (and animals) that i really love, and i borrow sadness when i fear the (inevitable) future when their hearts no longer reside on the earth. and instead of focusing on my belief that hearts and people and animals do not disappear when they leave the earth, i easily become trapped in the sadness. and i know that part of this is the kid-gloves artist thing, the bit about the unavoidable fact that i feel things intensely. i rarely feel a little happy, or a little sad, or a little frustrated, or a smidge disappointed. instead i feel feelings intensely, with my whole being, and it is hard to stuff them down or let them go. so i feel them.
and today, i look to the blue sky and consider awareness. consider that i could perhaps, with great love and great practice, learn not to get stuck in the cloud of feeling and emotion. perhaps, one day, i can carefully and with very great love gently press through the translucent cloud of feeling to see that there is blue sky beyond. the clouds are transient, the clouds are encompassing but do not have to be. i am not clouds, i am blue sky. i am blue sky that experiences clouds, and the clouds are not good or bad they just are. some days they are good. some days i fight through them. but i am not them, i am the blue sky. and when i realize continuously that i am bright blue sky, i will more easily accept and let go of the clouds.
