just a boy

& his friend...

sim but different

pure feeling

2:00 to 2:12 is what i'm alive for.  seriously.  honestly.
it's why i'm still here to write words into the darkness of the internet.
that absolute raw emotion that knows no words, no images,
it is just feeling.
it is raw and real and it can be painful or joyful or more often
it can be beyond emotional categorization.
that
is
being
alive.

that is being human.
that is what we're here to experience.
that
right
there.

intentional gratitude

this morning, after drinking the first cup of coffee and feeding the pup pup and helping my husband get ready & out the door for his day, i start in on the task of writing 20ish personal thank you's to each of my students.

next week is our last week of art class, and although we only spent 6 weeks together (for a very short hour and 15 minutes each class)...i'm attached and sad to see them go.  they taught me so much, and although i am exhausted at the thought of what i have poured into them (energy, time, thought, care, art lessons, adorable projects...) they always give it right back ten-fold...

sometimes it's a tight hug given freely and without prompting the moment they see me (and probably when they see the look of tired on my face)...

sometimes it's an ah-HA moment when a little concept of some kind suddenly clicks in their brain and they rejoice at the knowledge that it happened...

sometimes it's them repeating my teaching right back to me when I forget it myself.  "oh, Miss Renai, you're not happy with such and such YET!"  oh yeah, sure enough.  good job sweet baby loves.

and in an intentional effort to be more thankful and aware of all the many blessings in my life, I have been working hard to say and write and deliver more "thank you's" to the people in my life that make it the wonderful thing that it is.  and it's not just the big things...it's also the ladies at the WFM clinic that always answer the phone and are so professional and kind and helpful every time I call.  Yep, they get a thank you card, too.

so as i begin the long task of coming up with a unique sentence or two to describe and thank each of these students for sharing space and time and their bright lights with me...i wonder what you are thankful for today?  it's like cleaning out your closet.  when you open your eyes to everything that's good and wonderful in your life and take the time to develop gratitude for it all, you discover all these other amazing things that you hardly even noticed before.

thank you.

similar but different

as m would say <3







dude, I must admit...dance parties have saved my butt on more than one occasion in the classroom.

when absolutely nothing is going as planned or well, I am always tempted to tell my little friends to drop everything, push chairs in, make sure there is space around their body, and then I turn on some loud song and we dance out the frustration / anger / tired / annoyed / too much energy / not enough energy / sadness until we can make art again.  sometimes it's just for them, sometimes it's just for me...but I must say not once have I hosted a mid-art class dance party that didn't benefit everyone :)

many many many mistakes!!

#growth mindset, y'all

oxygen in cups

For the most part, being generous with my time and being kind-hearted towards my challenges comes naturally (thank goodness).  But occasionally, I find myself struggling to be generous and my first reaction is often frustration.  Why can't I just be loving?  Why can't I just feel good about giving my time / attention / money / etc. to this?  Why does it feel like a struggle here?

If we are being honest with ourselves, we admit that we cannot give that which we do not have.  If our own cup isn't full, we can't pour into everyone around us.  If our own needs are not being met, we are not going to feel very good spending our time and attention and funds meeting someone else's needs.  The whole "put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others" on a plane scenario (I know, I hate hearing that one, too).  But it's true.  

What I'm getting to here is that you are allowed to fill your own cup.  We are obligated to find our own oxygen before we can help anyone else find theirs.  We need to take a step back and assess our own needs before we can meet everyone else's.  And let me be the first to say, this is really hard.  I know everyone depends on you.  I know your to-do list is a mile and a half long.  I know you don't feel like you have time for this stuff.  I know, because I'm right here with you and I feel the same way. 

Please, take half an hour today and do the things that fill your cup.  If not for your own wellness then do it for the wellness of all those hearts who depend on you.  Whatever brings you joy, do more of that.  And know that we are right here with you, and we're learning right here with you, to put on our own oxygen masks before we assist everyone else.  

Our goal is to always have our cups so full that they consistently spill out into your life when you're here in the studio.  We really do find joy in helping you create, in helping you feel warm and fuzzy and loved and wonderful.  Stop by and create with us and you'll see what I mean.  We just stinkin' love what we do, and we want to share it with you.  And we strive to be a place that brings you joy, that helps you relax and reset and fill your own cup.  So you can keep on being awesome and pouring into your kids, your family, your coworkers, your community.

Happy Sunday, y'all.

love & progress

where

to go?
where to grow?
where do we grow (and go) from here?

"the soul

always knows what to do to heal itself.
the challenge is to silence the mind."

step one:
be gentle.
soften.
hold yourself like you hold a child.
stop powering through.
rest.
take a break.
ask for help.
admit when it is too much.
stop powering through.
listen.
breathe.
stop powering through.
be human.
make mistakes.
be sweeter to self.
stop powering through.
listen to your body.
listen to your desires.
make it ok to feel the things you feel.
stop powering through.
be gentle.
be sweet.
be sukha.
be rebirth.
be kind.
do all things with love.
only love.

"listen,

you must never express your anger or frustration using your body,
and you must never allow your emotions to keep you from remaining in control of your body.
it is not ok to hit anyone or anything in this studio,
it is never ok to hit anyone at all regardless of where you are.

it is unacceptable to hurt anyone else because of your own emotions.
you must apologize, now."

#shittheartteachersaid
#truth
#kids
we're all still learnin' things, y'all.

blue sky

i find these little pockets of sadness and fear inside myself.  usually they burst open unexpectedly, and usually at inconvenient times.  i have an intense fear of losing the people (and animals) that i really love, and i borrow sadness when i fear the (inevitable) future when their hearts no longer reside on the earth.  and instead of focusing on my belief that hearts and people and animals do not disappear when they leave the earth, i easily become trapped in the sadness.  and i know that part of this is the kid-gloves artist thing, the bit about the unavoidable fact that i feel things intensely.  i rarely feel a little happy, or a little sad, or a little frustrated, or a smidge disappointed.  instead i feel feelings intensely, with my whole being, and it is hard to stuff them down or let them go.  so i feel them.

and today, i look to the blue sky and consider awareness.  consider that i could perhaps, with great love and great practice, learn not to get stuck in the cloud of feeling and emotion.  perhaps, one day, i can carefully and with very great love gently press through the translucent cloud of feeling to see that there is blue sky beyond.  the clouds are transient, the clouds are encompassing but do not have to be.  i am not clouds, i am blue sky.  i am blue sky that experiences clouds, and the clouds are not good or bad they just are.  some days they are good.  some days i fight through them.  but i am not them, i am the blue sky.  and when i realize continuously that i am bright blue sky, i will more easily accept and let go of the clouds.

advocacy

dear future students,

it is your responsibility to stand up for your students, their art, their individual creativity, and the value of art itself.  at some point, you will have to be the cheerleader.  that's just the way it is.  that's part of the job.  that's part of the joy.  that's part of the struggle.
but hey, nobody said you had to be an art teacher when you grow up.
you're the one who signed on for this!  (thankfully, YOU! you get to slowly, patiently, with great love expose people to the power of art and creating :)

i was teaching a canvas painting party when a parent whispered to me "you better check in with the girl at the end".  in the middle of putting away paint or washing a brush or trying to get paint out of my hair before embarrassing myself, i partially couldn't hear this parent's comment and partially had no idea what was wrong with the girl at the end.  so i casually stroll to the end of the table, and not finding any sort of bug, meltdown, or lack of supplies...i continued teaching from this location that was supposedly having an issue.

and then parent #2 (neither of which were the parent of this child!) says "will she be ok?  will her painting turn out ok??" at which point i realize that oh, we're referring to these larger than normal lily pads here that this one wonderful and beautiful artist created?!? these perfectly OK, unique, yes maybe a little off on perspective but hey, that shit is hard lily pads?! we're asking if this 8 year old's canvas painting is going to be OK like it's life or death if her painting looks like my stupid example?! and now, parents, your comments literally have every other student at the table looking at this unique painting and back at their own to make sure they haven't gone awry?! and now the girl at the end with the unique and wonderful and individual painting is starting to feel self conscious and like she did something wrong?!?! HOLD THE PHONE, PEOPLE.

and kara kelley hallmark's words just came flying out of my mouth.  not loud or angry or upset, just so quickly that i did not even plan or expect this response to come from me.  but i started going on about Claude Monet, who inspired these paintings, and how he was part of the Impressionists who were a group of painters who did everything "wrong".  they painted outside, they painted light and color, their paintings got rejected from the Salon exposition time and time again, but they believed so much in what they were studying and creating that they made their own art show and their own group of artist friends and did their own fucking thing.
when we read about it in books it sounds so eloquent and proper and right...but c'mon people, going against the grain is NOT eloquent or proper or encouraged or delightful.  it's hard work.  it sucks.  it's hard on the ego.  it doesn't make you very many friends, or very many fans, or very much money.  BUT, it is these people who propel society forward.  it is these crazy ideas that change art.  it is these people who are willing to paint their water lilies however they see fit that enhance humanity and make it ok for others to be themselves, to try their ideas, to take a leap of faith, to make and change and see what happens.  sometimes it works.  sometimes it doesn't.  but you should never let the fear of failure keep you from trying something new.  we're all going to fail, but without the big chance you can't get the big reward.

and you know what parent #1 & parent #2 and every other student at the table did at the end of my shpeal?  they shut their mouth and worried about their own painting.  because they knew it was true,  they knew Monet wasn't making many friends at the end of the table painting his water lilies hundreds of times like a crazy man, and they saw that they weren't making any friends in my book by being critical and less than loving to a fellow artist.

so, my dear future students who will become wonderful art teachers, be prepared to educate everyone about art.  not just your students, but their parents, other teachers, administrators, community members...on and on and on.  but even beyond being prepared to do this, be excited to do this.  parent #1 and parent #2 weren't trying to be hurtful...they believe art has a right and wrong like math.  they don't realize that art is wonderful and open ended and expressive and unique and challenging and should be encouraged and supported and encouraged some more.  because it's good for us, for all of us, to know that life doesn't have one right answer.  there are lots of right answers, you just have to find the one that is right for you.

love always,
rae

the studio

May 2015

is a bit of a disaster.  new studio (at the new house!) is under construction.

er, one day if it ever stops raining in austin, they can pour a slab.  upon which our house (and the new studio!) can be built.  eventually.

at least there is still a little sliver of space in the current studio to make things!

didn't they say that

only love
will win
in the end

grow baby, grow!

how lovely

to see an old friend, eat dinner, and notice your art in use on her counter.  just lovely.

summer love

seriously?

parent at pickup: whoa…NASA & physics…I thought this was art camp?

r: yep, that's how we do it.  

parent: seriously?  so cool!

r: yep, thought we'd get our science in today.

parent: man, it's one stop shopping in here! awesome!

ha.  i love my job. 

i'm observing

a pattern.  a string.  whatever, it's important.
Chase,
Phil,
and another.

anger = fear, covered up.
acting out = an unmet need, often entirely unrelated to the situation.
hurting others = being hurt, either currently or an unresolved previously.

maybe not always are these things true, but there is a pattern of cases that support them.

i

have heard this before:

but never really got it.  until yesterday when i taught it, and it turned into:

and then this: 

and then after a sight-seeing of clouds, some constructivist teaching (that I learned from the best that Kara Kelley Hallmark), and some courage it all turned into these:

things are good. really good.